Rabbits

One Saturday morning, a raspy voice on the radio calling himself “DaaaaaaaveTheDaaave” claimed that the day was “so beautiful and perfect, you’d have to be a lunatic to stay indoors.” He also mentioned something about going skinny-dipping. My curiosity tingling, I decided to take his advice (except for the skinny-dipping) and headed outside.

I settled into my lounger on the patio that faced the backyard, closed my eyes and enjoyed the breeze and sound of my neighbor’s wind chime dance softly in the wind. I heard a rustling in the grass and my eyes flew open, afraid an intruder might have entered through the gate. I scanned the backyard until I found the source. A little brown rabbit with a cottontail was enjoying a weed over by the far end of the fence. I leaned forward to get a closer look. Surprisingly, undisturbed by the noise, it stopped and turned to face me. Upon realizing I wasn’t a threat, it continued feasting on a stubborn weed I gave up on a few weeks ago. As the rabbit chewed, I marveled at its beauty and innocence. “Aren’t you just the cutest thing!” I told it. The rabbit turned its head slightly and stared at me as it finished its meal.

I saw something else move out of the corner of my eye and turned to face that direction. Just then another rabbit hopped over and was cleaning its face with its little paws. I stared in awe before reaching for my phone to capture the moment. What I saw next through my phone’s screen changed my mood entirely. The rabbit that was cleaning itself hopped away to reveal several dark, round pellets. I was debating on waiting until after the other rabbit finished eating to clean up the mess when the un-hygienic rabbit returned to the spot and preceded to vomit over its droppings. “What the hell?” I exited out of the camera on my phone and quickly Googled the rabbit’s behavior. Horrified and armed with newfound knowledge that these cute bunnies could wreak havoc upon my yard and cost me a fortune, I put my phone away and knelt on the edge of the patio in front of the first rabbit. It was halfway through the weed by now. “Hey, um…you’re not going to do that are you?” I asked nicely. The rabbit stopped chewing and stared at me. It became so still I started to question if I imagined the whole thing entirely. All of a sudden, it darted across the yard in just four giant leaps and exited underneath the back fence. I looked back at the weed it had been eating and noticed the same dark, round pellets the other rabbit had left on the other side. I sighed and stood up to see if there were any more. 

“Oh my God.” For some reason, I didn’t notice it before. What was once solid green, was now freckled with patches of dead grass. I stepped out into the yard to investigate. Each patch had several of those dark pellets where grass had once been. How could such cute little creatures be so destructive? No longer in the mood to enjoy the nice weather, I returned to the patio and slumped into my seat. 

The rabbits were absolutely adorable, but they had already damaged the yard, and couldn’t be allowed to stay. I was thinking about the cost to repair the yard when a rabbit suddenly appeared from underneath the right side of the fence. I stood up to address the little one I no longer considered a guest. “Go check out the neighbor’s yard. You’ve ruined this one.” It stood on its hind legs and just stared. “Go on,” I waved my arms in the direction I wanted it to go. It was as still as a statue. I took a step forward and repeated myself. The rabbit returned to its natural stance and began eating a patch of the remaining good grass. “Shoo!” I ran towards it waving my hands above my head like a scarecrow attempting to scare it off. The stubborn thing made no effort to stop eating or leave. “Come on! You need to leave.” I pointed towards the fence. “Out!” The rabbit continued chewing. “How do I not scare you? I’m a giant!” To prove this point, I began running in a circle screaming wildly. I stopped, exhausted, and faced the rabbit to discover that once again it had turned away from me to finish its meal. Its cute little cottontail moved slightly as it chewed. I lunged for it and face-planted in the grass. I looked towards the fence and stared at the rabbit that was still chewing, watching me.

Frustrated, I got up and stomped towards the house. “Fine. If that’s the way you want it.” I walked through the kitchen into the garage and began to load a wheelbarrow with extra bricks. Once filled, I wheeled the bricks into the backyard and preceded to line the fence. I ran out of bricks for the back gate and turned to readjust the others when I spotted a rabbit squeezing between two bricks into the yard. We made eye contact as it too began eating the grass. I opened my mouth to yell at it when two more rabbits appeared from the same place, followed by a third. “OH, COME ON!!” Determined, I chased after them, but no matter how fast I ran, they were faster. We ran around the yard several times before they all escaped underneath the back gate.

Feeling victorious, I collapsed into my lounger to try and catch my breath. After I got my breathing under control, I looked up to see five rabbits all over the yard feasting. The sight made me hysterical, and a crazy idea popped into my head. Excited, I jumped out of the lounger and ran inside to find the box of firecrackers left over from a 4^thof July party held three years ago.

I ran to the backdoor with the box before remembering to grab the matches. I stopped and looked out at the rabbits that hadn’t moved. In fact, two more had joined the party. I now had seven to deal with. “This is war!” I shouted as I lit the first firecracker. I dropped it onto the pavement and jumped back covering my ears. It sounded like gunfire. The rabbits scattered faster than ever before and in seconds they were gone. For good measure, I went through the whole box. I didn’t realize I was laughing until I heard sirens. “Uh-oh.” I ran inside and threw open the front door to find two police officers standing there about to ring the doorbell. “It was the rabbits!” The two officers looked at each other and then back at me. One officer cleared his throat. “Ma’am we got a call saying neighbors heard gunshots- “

“THE RABBITS! THEY’RE ALL GONE! I GOT THE SUCKERS!!!” I don’t know what came over me, but I collapsed onto the ground in tears of joy. The officers let me weep for a moment before helping me up. I noticed movement over their shoulders and looked to see all seven cottontail rabbits sitting in the front yard, feasting on the grass. 

“Ma’am? Are you alright?” The officers looked concerned. I nodded sadly and thanked them for their time. After the officers were convinced I wasn’t a criminal, they advised me to rest and then left. I took one last look at the rabbits before closing the door.